I am amazed in my own life how poorly I communicate with those I think I know the best.

Seems I’m not alone.

A recent study published in the January issue of the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology concluded that married people may think they communicate well with their partners, but the truth is that they don’t always convey messages to their loved ones as well as they think. Even more interesting, the spouses often communicate no better than strangers.

People commonly believe that they communicate better with close friends than with strangers. That closeness can lead people to overestimate how well they communicate, a phenomenon we term the ‘closeness-communication bias’

The study used phrases common in everyday conversations to see if the spouses were better at understanding phrases from their partners than from people they did not know. They consistently overestimated their ability to communicate, and did so more with their partners than with strangers.

A wife who says to her husband, ‘it’s getting hot in here,’ as a hint for her husband to turn up the air conditioning a notch, may be surprised when he interprets her statement as a coy, amorous advance instead

It appears that the issue revolves around our false assessment of what the other person already knows. We assume that a well-know acquaintance has all the information we have, causing us to not give a more detailed explanation of what we’re communicating. When we meet a stranger, we don’t have this “closeness bias” and provide more detail to explain what we’re saying or requesting.

Our problem in communicating with friends and spouses is that we have an illusion of insight. Getting close to someone appears to create the illusion of understanding more than actual understanding

I see this in my own life. I do not typically operate under the understanding that “what I know is different from what you know.” Ineffective communication is the result. I’m glad that I am at least aware of it and am taking steps to improve.

It is almost always the core issue in the marriage counseling I become involved in. Destroy the illusion that you are communicating well and the marriage is on it’s way of becoming viable and exciting.

The study actually opened up another “epiphany” for me: I deal with God in the same manner. He doesn’t have a problem with it, but I sure do. I think I need to listen more actively and quit making assumptions on what I thought I heard/read.

I think that might be exactly what Jesus had in mind when he said “he who has ears, let him hear.” Or, as The Message version reads: “Are you listening to me? Really listening?”